It's hard to be a parent

I've been having a bit of a rough time lately transitioning from 2 kids to 3. Especially now that Philly is back at work. After a full week of being on my own with 3 kids I must say I'm exhausted mentally and physically. Now I know there are a lot of moms out there who have been through the ringer with 3 or more kids, but it feels like it has been especially difficult so far on me. So to all you moms, way to go, you rock and are awesome, I admire those who survive intact. I'm going to attempt to vent and lay out there how I feel. Hopefully this wont be too polarizing for some people. I just need to get this off my chest and this is my only real outlet.
I'll start by painting a picture. I try to do my best to give everyone equal attention. Logan and Nyah are used to being on the go and doing lots of things. We go to the gymnastics center, the Colorado Railroad Museum, the Denver Zoo, etc.. So in an attempt to keep a bit of normalcy in their lives and to give them what they need, I attempted the Railroad museum with 3 kids in my first week. Our new daughter Zoe likes to sleep and really needs her naps. However, she sleeps a lot so sometimes she must be carried in either the Ergo or the baby Bjorn. On this particular day the sun was shining and I chose the ergo since it has the hood to cover her head. Zoe has been a bit different than both Logan and Nyah as well, in that she gets cold much easier than the other two. So things started out somewhat okay, the kids ran to their usual spot on Wednesdays which is the garden train exhibit outside. Then Zoe decided she didn't want to stay asleep or to have her binki (pacifier for some). She started to get fussy, really fussy. Now some people might see this as a normal thing, especially for an infant. Infants get fussy from time to time and it usually means one of 4 things they are trying to communicate. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I pooped or I need to poop. Zoe is really pretty easy as far as all that goes and I feel like I understand her cries fairly well. So moving on, Zoe is fussy, she wont take her binki. She just had a bottle before we left the house and she had already had her regular poop, so this pretty much leaves sleep. In order to console her, I pulled her out of the Ergo and held her normally. Zoe kept fussing and increased a little bit. All the while there were a few older ladies watching this whole thing unfold. Logan and Nyah were chasing the trains around the track like normal and I could see them the whole time. For reference, we usually go the the Railroad museum at least once a week. We know most of the employees on a first name basis and they know us. So these older ladies decided to be very obvious with their glare. At one point I happened to be within ear shot and one of them decided to offer some kindly advice to this obviously struggling dad who has no idea what he's doing. "You know honey, that baby is probably mad because she's too hot in those long sleeve and that fancy contraption you're wearing." Seems innocent and simple enough I'm sure. But there in resides the problem for me. I'm by no means a rookie at the stay at home dad thing and I am very confident in my abilities with 2 kids out in the world. However, here I am struggling to keep it together while trying to give my kiddos what they all need and dealing with a screaming child at this point. So this had a big impact on me. I felt shattered and inferior. Any confidence I had, any shred of knowing that I can handle 3 kids was gone. I somehow held it together and didn't burst into the tears that I could feel welling up. If I did that I'm sure it would have been a total sign of weakness and I would have seemed even less competent. I am by no means saying that I'm perfect, but I try really hard every single moment of every day to do the best job I can. This simple offering of advice, set me back to when I was first a stay at home dad with Logan over 4 years ago. When I first took him to the public library for story time and I was the only dad at story time. It took weeks before I realized I was a bit of an odd sight. These ladies, with their simple motherly advice, crushed this dad in a matter of seconds. Why?!? Why did it matter that some stranger thought I needed advice or that I couldn't handle my own children. I know I'm not alone in this and that many other parents, both men and women, have experienced this same thing. Being judged by a stranger and feeling horrible for it.

I guess the point of this rant is that I thought I had it together. I thought I had a thick skin and could handle anything my kids or anyone could throw at me. Yet this simple comment by a total stranger destabilized my whole being. I felt like I wasn't able to do my job because somehow being a man, I don't know how to handle kids. I realize I'm likely just super sensitive right now, but hey, wouldn't a woman be as well on her first week out with 3 kids? I guess I shouldn't really complain, but I really needed get this out there. In fact I already feel much better just typing this out. Even if I didn't post this for public consumption, I feel better.

Now I'm also not claiming to be perfect by any means. I have been guilty of judging others as well. However, I try to be mindful and realize that I don't know what their situation is or what is going on in their life or their day. It just really sucks when you can feel the judging coming from a complete stranger and especially when they say something.

So please people, even if you think you are being helpful, think before you speak. Please, please, please, make sure your internal filter is turned on. If there is any doubt that maybe your advice or comment could be damaging, keep it to yourself. Otherwise you might just make someone cry or worse.

I did manage to muster up the courage and brave the Children's Museum of Denver with the kids yesterday as well, but that is a tale for another day.

Cheers for now,
Aaron